This is probably not what you want to hear if you are currently using Bumble and Tinder like it’s your part-time job: I have no patience for those apps. I am more of a real-time type of girl. I prefer to meet someone in person unexpectedly. I believe in fate and serendipity. I also believe that there is someone for everyone. Further, sometimes we spend too much time searching and as a result, we end up with people that we aren’t meant to be with. We convince ourselves that this must be it, because we fear we will never find someone, even if our current somebody isn’t the right fit on any level.
This isn’t good for you at a spiritual level. It prevents you from living in a space that is true to you. It prevents you from achieving your true potential. When we are stuck in love, the wrong kind of love with the wrong person, often times we are stuck in other areas of our life. It’s only when you take a timeout, date yourself for a while and embrace being single, that you will discover what you need. Do you know what you really need in this life? In love? If not, it is time to find out. Your overall happiness is dependent on this realization. Keep in mind that as you change, your needs will expand, but the foundation will always be there.
Being Single Sucks!
Who the fuck wants to be single?! I would say no one, but that’s a lie. There are a lot of people who enjoy being single. Yes, believe it or not, there is joy to be found in Single-Ville. It’s a place where you get to figure out who you are, focus on self-care and on what you want/need. Love is a beautiful thing but it will always start with you: self-love. When I think of the phrase “all you need is love”, I think we often forget the power of self-love. Like many of you I think, all you need is love is about loving each other and accepting people for who they are. Love is healing and love brings people together.
I think the real issue lies in the fact that we don’t apply this saying to ourselves. It’s not selfish to love yourself first. It’s not selfish to give yourself what you need first so in turn, you can give out the best kind of love. We have all dated that person, or been that person, who isn’t easy to love or date. It’s a struggle to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t believe they deserve anything good. It’s a struggle to date someone who thinks love must hurt and that love is fraught with drama.
It is time for you to take a timeout to be consciously single, not for a few weeks, but for, let’s say 6 months or more. This means no dating apps, or hookups, real alone time. A time where you focus on the things you have been wanting to do for a long time. Think of all the things you have put off as a result of a relationship. Where your own needs and desires became unimportant. Please note, I am not saying you can’t have an amazing fulfilling relationship where your needs and desires are met. Moreover, I believe it’s important to understand that you will only be able to keep what’s needed for you to thrive as an individual intact, if you take the time to nourish and cultivate your needs and desires. Create a space within you that is strong enough to push against what takes you away from your essential needs.
What Breakups Teach You
Break-ups aren’t just difficult because it’s an end of a cycle with someone we may have loved. They are difficult because we realize what we gave up while coupled. Somethings are worth giving up, but then there are those fundamental needs that make us who we are. When this is gone, we feel lost. If you are living this right now, my advice to you is to take this as an opportunity to get realigned with who you are and the kind of person you desire to be. It’s time for you to learn about self-love, so no matter what life throws your way, you will know that you are always loved.
People will tell you to dive back in and find someone new. I am sure you are familiar with the saying, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”. This doesn’t work and to be honest, all the things you need to work on alone will be waiting for you when this tryst ends, no matter how long it lasts. What you need, where love is concerned, since we all have different needs, can only be discovered alone. Ask yourself, what do I need? I think you need unconditional love, accepting, honest and pure love. The first place to seek this is within you.
When your heart is ready, something beautiful will happen. The right person who has taken the time to love themselves will show up. Hopefully, you have done the self-work, so you can be the person who is deserving of great love because you already give this to yourself every day.
-Hanifa